Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 50

Homemade Peanut Butter balls.

I made this recipe this afternoon.
On the healthy scale, they are a seven, I would guess.

1 cup of that healthy kid of peanut butter...the kind without sugar.
1 cup powdered milk

1/2 to 3/4 cup honey. (I used 1/2c.)



flax (ground up)
chocolate chips

I only add about 1/8 to 1/4 c. of these.

Mix more
Form balls

Eat only when hungry.


you can add raisins or nuts or wheat germ or anything else you can think of.


I weighed myself this morning.
I am down a total of six pounds.

I am letting go of my obsession with food and sincerely only eating when I have hunger.
Stopping when full is a little trickier but I pushed away a good portion of my lunch today.

The hard part of not obsessing about what I am going to eat is that when I get hungry,
I don't know what to eat.

Does that make sense?

Eating healthy takes planning, but that leads me to thinking too much about food.

I will figure this out one of these days.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 48

Food Rule #20

"It is not food if it arrived through the window of your car."

This is one rule that I do not struggle with.
I am not drawn to fast food places.

The last time I had Sonic I was traveling and I had a Cherry Lime aid and some of those tater tots
with the chili on them.
The tater tots left a bad taste in my mouth, as did the drink. I felt sick for eating that meal.
That was it. I never wanted to go there again. And I haven't.

Traveling is tricky.

Food Rule #57

"Don't get your fuel from the same place
your car does."

All I will need to do is avoid the Gardetto's.

Gardetto's are so salty and yummy and they my traveling food.

Next week when we go to Omaha, I will stay out of the gas station.
I will follow rule #57.

No problem o

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 46

My head feels light.
The dark clouds have lifted.

Two days without obsessing about food.

I have only eaten when I was hungry.

This makes three meals a day or six small meals a day not a way of life because when I am waiting for hunger...I can wait a long time.

Yesterday I had my Chai for breakfast. After I drank it I was not hungry until I was coming home from a get together at noon.
I stopped at Chipotle. I got a Burrito bowl with chicken. I ate this until I was full. To be honest. very full.

I was busy all afternoon and when I got home at dinner time I wasn't a bit hungry. So I didn't eat.
I did not fret about this. I could eat when my stomach told me it was time.

At about 9:10 my stomach rumbled. I went and made two pieces of toast for myself. Probably should have had fruit or cooked veggie...but I was going for something quick and the easy.

I could have just ignored the hunger and gone to bed, but you know you have nightmares if you go to bed on an empty stomach.


I don't know when I heard that bit of folk lore....but it does cross my mind and may or may not have influenced my decision to eat toast at 9:00.

(It was probably more of me wanting to reward myself for waiting for the hunger.)

So again this morning, I had my Chai with skinny milk and wasn't hungry until 10:30 so I ate a bagel.

At noon I was at the hair salon and didn't even think about lunch. This is actually miraculous. I'm a eater by the clock.

"It's NOON! I can EAT!"

That did not happen and in fact I didn't notice hunger until I was driving home from school with Katie.

When I got home I heated up some soup and had some delicious crackers (3) and cheese.

And here I am...still feeling satisfied and not really expecting to be hungry before bedtime.

I think I will skip the toast tonight. I know I can do it.
I will pick up the Bible instead and feast on the Word of God.

I started reading Acts last night. I have never read that whole book of the Bible before.

It's a page turner!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 44

I have a confession.

I have made food and myself an idol.

We are on the pedestal where God should be.

I realized this fact this morning at 5:30 when I was praying.

You see, yesterday after writing my sad tale of self-pity and woe, I received words many words of encouragement and support.
Most of the letters contained promises of prayer and had scriptures attached.

The scriptures brought tears to my eyes. The word of God was getting my attention.

As I laid in bed and prayed this morning, the truth came to me quietly.

'You love food more than you love me. 'whispered God'.
You love yourself, more than you love me.'

How self-loathing and self love can live side by side, I don't have the answer.
But I know that I am shattered that I can't have my way and that's a sign that I am used to taking
pretty sweet care of myself.

I will be working on my attitude. Checking my motives and leaning on God to help me change.
Both in the area of making idols and in the area of living a healthy life.

Losing weight is not sinful. Putting all my heart and soul into it is.

With Christ all things are possible.

On my own....I'm pretty lost.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ~Matthew 6:25

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 43


1. Eating Healthfully is bad for my mental health.
2. Do not read this page if you are easily discouraged.
3. I am not an expert. I am just a person who is trying.

In fact, I feel badly that I have allowed people to come and read this website.
I can not inspire or encourage and that makes me feel bad.
I thought for a moment I would succeed at this and have a good story to tell.
Unfortunately my story my be one of frustration and depression.
Who wants to read that?

So please stop reading now...and I'm sorry.

I have promised myself that I would give this a go for a year.
And I will not stop now.

In order to change, I have to focus on myself.
When I focus on myself and myself fails over and over again, I become depressed.

The best way not to be depressed is not to focus on yourself. To focus on God or others.

Not focusing on myself and my weight has led me to weigh too much.

Focusing on myself and my weight is leading me to stay the same weight or gain weight, to be in physical pain and to be depressed.

It's fail, fail, fail.
Brick wall, week after week.

I make positive changes and I fail. I do not feel better.

I walk for miles, three days in a row and I gain weight.

I walk because everyone tells me I need to exercise. And when I do, I am miserable and gain weight.

Why did I think this time my efforts would succeed?
As I see it my year of living healthfully has been a huge bust so far. Huge.

Three hundred and twenty three days to go.

I should probably stop weighing myself every Tuesday.
It's only making me feel more and more terrible every week.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 42

The Chicago edition.

Emma's calendar was empty and she invited us.
What else does a mom need to pack up and go for a visit?
An invitation is a very precious thing.

Chicago and I have a history. A food history.
I grew up here and have many favorite things.

None of which are considered healthy. There is the most wonderful popcorn here in town. It is called Garrets. It is hard not to go get some.

I had a hankering for a cupcake from one of those fancy neighborhood bakeries,
but Emma helped steer me away from that.

So instead I tried to make good choices. I had a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner. Also at dinner I had a tiny 3 ounce tenderloin, some mashed red potatoes and a piece of key lime pie that was about one inch by one and a half inch big.

So I made good choices...but I don't think the food I ate was organic per se.
We did not search out organic restaurants. Perhaps we should look into that today.

Cause let me tell you something.
When I woke up this morning, my eyes were extremely swollen.

Even drinking many glasses of water did not help with the overload of salt and chemicals I was unknowingly eating.


One more positive thing was the amount of walking we did. We walked to the Wildfire and we walked to the nail salon.

Now. The nail salon. I'm going to write about the negative thoughts that go on in my head. I feel extra fat and unattractive when I go to a salon. I like the result of having pretty toenails but to me it is more about humiliation than pampering when I am there.

Here is the truth.

I do not take care of my feet very well because it is uncomfortable to bend over my big tummy. So when I go to the salon I arrive with very calloused feet and it is a big process. The women look around and try to decided which tool to use to work on my feet. They are the unlucky one to have gotten the old woman with the bad feet.

The women working on Katie and Emma have it easy and when they look over at me, they know it.

And then they ask if I am the grandma.

Oh yeah.

That was the icing.

I do not let on that I am feeling hot and uncomfortable and embarrassed sitting in that stupid chair. I bear it bravely. But the truth is it hurts. I feel badly about myself and my weight. So something that is suppose to be a pleasure is an expensive, humiliating situation where I just beat myself up for being so fat.

I am not really sure how I get over it and where I stuff those feelings but some how I do. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I do know why I can carry on.

Deep down I know that my worth as a person, as a child of God is not about what I look like or how much I weigh. This is a truth that is deeply ingrained in my heart and soul.

It's not a conscious reaction, to replace the negative thinking with the more positive thinking. But perhaps I should make it so. More deliberate.

Catch those thoughts when they come.
But it is not easy when one is feeling like a old, calloused, float in the Macy's parade.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 41

We went to the Badgers game last night!

This was suppose to be great fun.

But because of my sore knee, it was a big pain in the knee.

We drove and parked downtown by 3:30. We walked around until we got in the stadium at 5:30. When we got to our seats....
the people were standing up. They would not sit down. We scooted down and watched the pre-game activities from someone elses seats so we could sit down. The stadium filled up and we were stuck behind the stander uppers.

Oh. BTW. My knee was killing me. All I wanted to do was sit down. So I sat and looked over at the jumbo tron to watch the game.

There was activity all around:
Jumping Around.
Crazy high five-ing fans.
A huge high stepping marching band.

And a stadium full of standing fans.(When did this stupid ritutal start?)

All I wanted to do was sit down and it's all I could think about.

The Badgers beat the number one team and all I cared about was "Why in the world won't these people sit down.!"

It's depressing when a whole stadium is in better shape than you are?


P.s. I had water.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Day 39

Dear Donna,

It will not kill you to eat a small lunch. Just a yogurt. Nothing more.
You will not waste away.
When you are hungry again, you can have something else to eat.

It will be okay.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 37

Exercise. Walk. Move. Ugh.

I use to teach aerobics. I use to go to dance class twice a week.
I use to walk with my friend Karen. I loved all of those physical activities dearly.

When I started homeschooling the aerobics and dancing ended. They were daytime activities and I was with our children all day.
I started walking with my friend Karen and how we loved walking together. We would wake up early and walk before school five days a week. We never missed. We talked as much as we walked and we could have walked for hours.
Then we moved away from Karen.

I find walking unbearable without her. It is just mind-numbingly boring.

I am like the horse, Homesick, who slowly leaves the barn on the trail but as soon as he turns for home, he starts to move faster and faster. Homesick can not wait to get home.

That's me.

As soon as I walk out the door and hit the corner, I want to turn around and come home. It is excruciating to walk a whole mile.
Mentally. Not physically.

So. The picture at the top of this page. That is my walk.

I park at the back of Target parking lot and walk to get my Chai every morning.
It is a puny walk, but it is a step in the right direction.

If I have a destination I find it much more do-able.

Tomorrow I will find a parking spot even further away.

This just might work after all.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 36

I feel really happy this morning.

My weekly weigh-in was satisfactory.

I lost a pound.

I will treasure that little pound and I will be proud of it!

Exercising over the weekend and counting my points seems to have bumped me into the land of losing and I am delighted that my little plan worked.

It's heck to try as hard as you can and then fail.
It makes me want to give up. I have done that so many times. I have given up.

But my crazy plan to eat healthfully for a whole year is forcing me to NOT give up.

Am I feeling better. Not really. My knees still hurt.
Do I look any better. No. Five pounds is but a scratch.

But you know what? I actually feel really good inside my head today and that's wonderful.

One little pound gone changes my whole outlook.

I may drop a few pounds eating healthfully after all....

Please. God. Thank you.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day 34

Company Challenges and Strategies.

I have had company since Friday. My sister came to town and I wanted to show her a good time :o)

She loves Wisconsin beer so I bought her some of that. I bought her cheese curds and Kringles and Affy Tapples too.
All delicious treats to say "Welcome".

Since I don't drink alcohol and never have, I have it kind of easy....
I can imagine this is tricky for those who love their beer and wine.

And I just might be trying some red wine this year since I hear it is so GREAT for you.
But to tell the truth, I have a hard time eating or drinking things that I think taste icky.

But anyway. I had a few cheese curds and a tiny piece of an almond Kringle. The caramel apples went home with Cindy when she left this morning.

Great success when faced with delicious treats in the house.

We went out to eat three times, also.

The first night I had water with my meal of a Mediterranean Pasta salad.
On Saturday I had a wonderful salad for lunch. It had lettuce,grapes, apples, blue cheese and pecans.
Again I enjoyed two glasses of water.

And guess what...I have begun to like water. I am starting to recognize thirst for what it is and I am craving water.
This is a wonderful thing for me. Water was torture for me to drink.

And now I love it.


For dinner I ate a 6 oz filet, mashed potatoes and a small piece of bread with butter.

I was moderate and ate with self control.


Cindy and I walked quite a big on Saturday too.

Around the capitol, up and down State St.
We wandered around Paoli, but that hardly counts as it is a teeny town.

But I was active and for me that is a good day.
Instead of sitting on my tuckus I was up and around.

No marathon, but a step in the right direction!

So besides loving every moment of being with my sister, I succeeded in eating healthfully and I even got a little
exercise along the way.

It feels good to stick with it.

Oh! And guess what I found at the Farmer's Market?
Local Eggs!!!

What a great find! I'm so happy about it!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Day 31

Measuring cups and Weight Watchers points.

Reality Check in progress.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 30

I came home today from being out all morning.
I was super hungry so I warmed up a bowl of homemade Mexican Taco Stew.
I toasted a salt bagel and poured a glass of Diet Dr. Pepper.

I sat down and took a big sip of the pop.

It tasted bad.

I took a second sip.

Still tasted bad.

I think I am over it.

Right now I am dying of thirst, I am going to get a big glass of water.

It's a miracle.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 29

Tuesday. Four weeks eating healthfully. Minus four.

This could really depress me and throw me for a loop.

I am not eating any treats or pop or chips and dip or custard,
yet I have not lost weight in two weeks. This kind of weight loss makes me want to eat
crap again. I could stay the same and eat crap. Doesn't that sound good?
I can maintain and drink Dr. Pepper and eat chips.

But I have made a vow to eat healthfully for a whole year...and I will be super sad if eating healthfully does not lead to a thinner me. But I guess I will have to wait for eleven more months to see if that is the final answer.

With changes this slow it is hard to see any actual improvement in my health.

But. I wasn't sick. Just worried my way of eating would lead to sickness.

My knees. They are still sore. Losing four pounds just didn't do the trick to alleviate soreness.

What will the next four weeks bring. I hope not more of the same.

My stomach is growling and depression makes one weak-willed.

Better go get Katie and plan for a nice dinner.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 27

Listening to my body. More specifically listening to my stomach and hunger.

I forgot how to do this. And then I remembered for a while and then I forgot again.

In 1997 I helped lead a group of women in a Bible study based weight loss program called Weigh Down Workshop. (Told ya, I've done em all) As with most of the diets I tried in my earlier years (up to age 42) I was successful with sticking with the program and losing weight.

I started the WDW diet at an all time weight high at the time. I weighed 207 pounds.
I was mortified. But my friend and I jumped right in and started the group.
We met once a week and watched videos hosted by the skinny and charismatic Gwen Shamblin.
We discussed and prayed and did a private weigh in.

In a year I lost 50 pounds.

The key to the Weigh Down Workshop was; Eat when you are hungry. Stop when you are full.
Pray to fill the void.

That's it. I listened and listened and listened to the tapes and I journaled.

I ate Pringles and drank diet pop and ate bagels with cream cheese, olives and cashews.

Eat whatever you want. Just never eat if you are not hungry. This was God's way of eating.

Well. Except I don't think they had Pringles and Dr. Pepper in ancient times.
(Come to think of it Pringles are a little line manna aren't they?)

But to this day, I do agree with the idea that we were created to eat when we are hungry and to stop when we are full.

Even with making poor food choices, my mission was accomplished. And then gradually, I took my eyes off the ball.
Once I let up a little bit....it's all over for me. I start gaining again. By 1999 I had gained 20 pounds. Twenty pounds came back in that one year. I wasn't too despondent about it. I liked being in my 150's...but 170's didn't freak me out too much....
BUT THEN I got pregnant. I tried to follow the plan a little and I tried not to be a glutton...but some how....I gained 50 pounds with my little tiny 5 lb 6 oz. baby.

And lo and behold.... I have had a heck of a time losing weight ever since then.

So I blame Katie.

The End.

Not really. But I have tried many methods of weight loss since I had Katie, ten YEARS ago, and I have failed miserably.

From everything I have heard it is more difficult to lose weight as you age. I don't know all the reasons why this is....but gosh, it really seems to be true in my case.

This year I am combining a few methods. I am trying not to eat just to eat. I am waiting for hunger. Even if it is a piece of fruit.
But I am also making healthy choices to go along with my renewed commitment to listen to my body.

It sure sounds like a winning plan. I can only hope and persevere!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Day 25

I weighed myself this morning. I did not loose weight by Tuesday, my official weigh in date and now on Friday
I still have not lost and could have gone up two pounds.

Writing things down and keeping track of calories might be a good plan so I can see where I am taking in too many calories.
I certainly don't feel like I am, but I must be.

This morning I had half a bagel.

Half. Half. Half.

How hard can this be?

For lunch I had a small portion of salad in my smallest bowl. I know I will be hungry before dinner time,
but I do know one thing.

I will have half a portion of whatever I choose!

For me, being healthy means dropping some weight. A lot of weight.
I am determined. It will happen.

Even if it takes a year and a half!