It's been a rough week. It's incredible how much my mood and self worth is tied to my weight.
I know this is so wrong.
I am not defined by how much I weigh. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
But even setting small goals and failing to achieve those small goals sends me down into, I dare say a depression.
Now what do I usually do when I am depressed? I eat. I stuff those feeling down with food and I forget what I am sad about.
I caught myself doing this many many years ago.
My husband was home for lunch, he was cranky and I felt awful when he left.
I will never forget that moment as I saw him drive away and I was standing in the kitchen opening the cupboard as I watched his car zoom off.
I caught myself in the act. Mid chew. Mid stuff. I realized.
I really am trying to numb the pain with food.
So when life gets painful, even pain brought about by dieting, (which is really ironic)
I want to eat but do not eat so the sadness stays.
It is a daily battle to fight to get out of the dark thinking. Negative greet me first thing I wake up.
I am trying to replace those dark thought with truthful, positive thoughts first thing.
I am thanking God for the day. For being alive.
I am mostly trying to live this day with a grateful heart. This one day.
I can do this...today. Doesn't matter about yesterday or tomorrow.
I can do this with my attitude, my spirit and my eating.
My friend Di sent me a quote that spoke right to my heart.
"Surely we can do for one day that which seems impossible for a lifetime. "
At this point in my life, I can't make goals and I really shouldn't weigh myself.
If that is weird, that's okay with me.
My mental health is at stake.
Working on today is the best I can do.