Sunday, December 12, 2010

Dec. 12, 2010

It's been a rough week. It's incredible how much my mood and self worth is tied to my weight.
I know this is so wrong.

I am not defined by how much I weigh. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

But even setting small goals and failing to achieve those small goals sends me down into, I dare say a depression.

Now what do I usually do when I am depressed? I eat. I stuff those feeling down with food and I forget what I am sad about.

I caught myself doing this many many years ago.

My husband was home for lunch, he was cranky and I felt awful when he left.
I will never forget that moment as I saw him drive away and I was standing in the kitchen opening the cupboard as I watched his car zoom off.

I caught myself in the act. Mid chew. Mid stuff. I realized.
I really am trying to numb the pain with food.

So when life gets painful, even pain brought about by dieting, (which is really ironic)
I want to eat but do not eat so the sadness stays.

It is a daily battle to fight to get out of the dark thinking. Negative greet me first thing I wake up.

I am trying to replace those dark thought with truthful, positive thoughts first thing.
I am thanking God for the day. For being alive.

I am mostly trying to live this day with a grateful heart. This one day.

I can do Doesn't matter about yesterday or tomorrow.
I can do this with my attitude, my spirit and my eating.

My friend Di sent me a quote that spoke right to my heart.

"Surely we can do for one day that which seems impossible for a lifetime. "

At this point in my life, I can't make goals and I really shouldn't weigh myself.
If that is weird, that's okay with me.

My mental health is at stake.

Working on today is the best I can do.